Common Features of Dysfunctional Families

 

These features occur in most dysfunctional families:

  • Lack of empathy, understanding, and sensitivity towards certain family members, while expressing extreme empathy towards one or more members (or even pets) who have real or perceived “special needs.” In other words, one family member continuously receives far more than he or she deserves, while another is marginalized.
  • Denial (a refusal to acknowledge abusive behavior; also known as the “elephant in the room”)
  • Inadequate or missing boundaries for self (e.g., tolerating inappropriate treatment from others, failing to express what is acceptable and unacceptable treatment, tolerance of physical, emotional or sexual abuse.)
  • Disrespect of others’ boundaries (e.g. physical contact that other person dislikes; breaking important promises without just cause; purposefully violating a boundary another person has expressed)
  • Extremes in conflict (either too much fighting or insufficient arguing between family members)
  • Unequal or unfair treatment of one or more family members due to their gender, age, birth order, family role (mother, etc.), abilities, race, caste, etc. (may include frequent appeasement of one member at the expense of others, or an uneven enforcement of rules).

Though not universal among dysfunctional families, and by no means exclusive to them, the following features are typical of dysfunctional families:

  • Abnormally high levels of jealousy or other controlling behaviors
  • Conflict influenced by marital status:
    • between divorced or separated parents, usually related to, or arising from their breakup
    • conflict between parents who remain married, often for the “perceived” sake of the children, but whose separation or divorce would, in fact, remove a detrimental influence on those children (must be evaluated on a case-by-case basis, as breakup may harm children)
    • parents who wish to divorce, but cannot due to financial, societal (including religious), or legal reasons
  • Children afraid to talk (within or outside the family) about what is happening at home, or are otherwise fearful of their parents
  • Abnormal sexual behavior such as adultery, promiscuity, or incest
  • Lack of time spent together, especially in recreational activities and social events (“We never do anything as a family”)
  • Family members (including children) who disown each other, and/or refuse to be seen together in public (either unilaterally or bilaterally)

Unhealthy parenting signs

List of unhealthy parenting signs which could lead to a family becoming dysfunctional:[5]

  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Ridicule[6]
  • Conditional love[6]
  • Disrespect;[6] especially contempt
  • Emotional intolerance (family members not allowed to express the “wrong” emotions)[6]
  • Social dysfunction or isolation[6] (for example, parents unwilling to reach out to other families—especially those with children of the same gender and approximate age, or do nothing to help their “friendless” child)
  • Stifled speech (children not allowed to dissent or question authority)[6]
  • Denial of an “inner life” (children are not allowed to develop their own value systems)[6]
  • Being under- or over-protective
  • Apathy “I don’t care!”
  • Belittling “You can’t do anything right!”
  • Shame “Shame on you!”
  • Bitterness (regardless of what is said, using a bitter tone of voice)
  • Hypocrisy “Do as I say, not as I do”
  • Unforgiving “Saying sorry doesn’t help anything!”
  • Judgmental statements or demonization “You are a liar!”
  • Either no or excessive criticism (experts say 80–90% praise, and 10–20% constructive criticism is the most healthy[7][8][9])
  • Giving “mixed messages” by having a dual system of values (i.e. one set for the outside world, another when in private, or teaching divergent values to each child)
  • The absentee parent (seldom available for their child due to work overload, alcohol/drug abuse, gambling or other addictions)
  • Unfulfilled projects, activities, and promises affecting children “We’ll do it later”
  • Giving to one child what rightly belongs to another
  • Gender prejudice (treats one gender of children fairly; the other unfairly)
  • Discussion and exposure to sexuality: either too much, too soon or too little, too late
  • Faulty discipline (i.e. punishment by “surprise”) based more on emotions or family politics than established rules
  • Having an unpredictable emotional state due to substance abuse, personality disorder(s), or stress
  • Scapegoating (knowingly or recklessly blaming one child for the misdeeds of another)
  • “Tunnel vision” diagnosis of children’s problems (for example, a parent may think their child is either lazy or has learning disabilities after he falls behind in school despite recent absence due to illness)
  • Older siblings given either no or excessive authority over younger siblings with respect to their age difference and level of maturity
  • Frequent withholding of consent (“blessing”) for culturally common, lawful, and age-appropriate activities a child wants to take part in
  • The “know-it-all” (has no need to obtain child’s side of the story when accusing, or listen to child’s opinions on matters which greatly impact them)
  • Regularly forcing children to attend activities for which they are extremely over- or under-qualified (e.g. using a preschool to babysit a typical nine-year-old boy, taking a young child to poker games, etc.)
  • Either being a miser (“scrooge”) in totality or selectively allowing children’s needs to go unmet (e.g. father will not buy a bicycle for his son because he wants to save money for retirement or “something important”)
  • Nature vs. nurture (parents, often non-biological, blame common problems on child’s heredity, whereas faulty parenting may be the actual cause)

List of other dysfunctional parenting styles

  • Using (destructively narcissistic parents with rule by fear and conditional love)
  • Abusing (parents who use physical violence, or emotionally, or sexually abuse their children)
  • Perfectionist (fixating on order, prestige, power, and/or perfect appearances, while preventing their child from failing at anything)
  • Dogmatic or cult-like (harsh and inflexible discipline with children not allowed, within reason, to dissent, question authority, or develop their own value system)
  • Inequitable parenting (going to extremes for one child while continually ignoring the needs of another)
  • Deprivation (control or neglect by withholding love, support, necessities, sympathy, praise, attention, encouragement, supervision, or otherwise putting their children’s well-being at risk)
  • Abandonment (a parent who willfully separates from their children, not wishing any further contact, and in some cases without locating alternative, long-term parenting arrangements, leaving them as orphans)
  • Appeasement (parents who reward bad behavior—even by their own standards—and inevitability punish another child’s good behavior in order to maintain the peace and avoid temper tantrums “Peace at any price”)
  • Loyalty manipulation (giving unearned rewards and lavish attention trying to ensure a favored, yet rebellious child will be the one most loyal and well-behaved, while subtly ignoring the wants and needs of their most loyal child currently)
  • “Helicopter parenting” (parents who micro-manage their children’s lives and/or relationships among siblings—especially minor conflicts)
  • “The deceivers” (well-regarded parents in the community, likely to be involved in some charitable/non-profit works, who abuse or mistreat one or more of their children)
  • “Public image manager” (sometimes related to above, children warned to not disclose what fights, abuse, or damage happens at home, or face severe punishment “Don’t tell anyone what goes on in this family”)
  • “The paranoid parent” (a parent having persistent and irrational fear accompanied by anger and false accusations that their child is up to no good or others are plotting harm)
  • “No friends allowed” (parents discourage, prohibit, or interfere with their child from making friends of the same age and gender)
  • Role reversal (parents who expect their minor children to take care of them instead)
  • “Not your business” (children continuously told that a particular brother or sister who is often causing problems is none of their concern)
  • Ultra-egalitarianism (either a much younger child is permitted to do whatever an older child may, or an older child must wait years until a younger child is mature enough)
  • “The guard dog” (a parent who blindly attacks family members perceived as causing the slightest upset to their esteemed spouse, partner, or child)
  • “My baby forever” (a parent who will not allow one or more of their young children to grow up and begin taking care of themselves)
  • “The cheerleader” (one parent “cheers on” the other parent who is abusing their child)
  • “Along for the ride” (a reluctant de facto, step, foster, or adoptive parent who does not truly care about their non-biological child, but must co-exist in the same home for the sake of their spouse or partner) See also: Cinderella effect
  • “The politician” (a parent who repeatedly makes or agrees to children’s promises while having little to no intention of keeping them)
  • “It’s taboo” (parents rebuff any questions children may have about sexuality, pregnancy, romance, puberty, certain areas of human anatomy, nudity, etc.)
  • “The identified patient” (one child, usually selected by the mother, who is forced into going to therapy while the family’s overall dysfunction is kept hidden)
  • Münchausen syndrome by proxy (a much more extreme situation than above, where the child is intentionally made ill by a parent seeking attention from physicians and other professionals)

Effects on children

Children of dysfunctional families, either at the time, or as they grow older, may also:[11]

  • lack the ability to be playful, or childlike, and may “grow up too fast”; conversely they may grow up too slowly, or be in a mixed mode (e.g. well-behaved, but unable to care for themselves)
  • have moderate to severe mental health issues, including possible depression, anxiety,[12] and suicidal thoughts
  • become addicted to smoking, alcohol, and/or drugs, especially if parents or friends have done the same
  • bully or harass others, or be an easy victim thereof (possibly taking a dual role in different settings)
  • be in denial regarding the severity of the family’s situation
  • have mixed feelings of love–hate towards certain family members
  • become a sex offender, possibly including pedophilia
  • have difficulty forming healthy relationships within their peer group (usually due to shyness or a personality disorder)
  • spend an inordinate amount of time alone watching television, playing video games, surfing the internet, listening to music, and other activities which lack in-person social interaction
  • feel angry, anxious, depressed, isolated from others, or unlovable
  • have a speech disorder (related to emotional abuse)[13]
  • distrust others or even have paranoia
  • become a juvenile delinquent and turn to a life of crime (with or without dropping out of school), and possibly become a gang member as well
  • struggle academically at school or academic performance declines unexpectedly
  • have low self-esteem or a poor self image with difficulty expressing emotions
  • rebel against parental authority, or conversely, uphold their family’s values in the face of peer pressure, or even try to take an impossible “middle ground” that pleases no one
  • think only of themselves to make up the difference of their childhoods (as they are still learning the balance of self-love)
  • have little self-discipline when parents are not around, such as compulsive spending, procrastinating too close to deadlines, etc. (unfamiliar and seemingly lax “real-world” consequences vs. familiar parental consequences)
  • find an (often abusive) spouse or partner at a young age, and/or run away from home
  • become pregnant and/or a parent of illegitimate children
  • be at risk of becoming poor or homeless, even if the family is already wealthy or middle-class
  • have auto-destructive or potentially self-damaging behaviors
  • join a cult to find the acceptance they never had at home, or at a minimum, have differing philosophical/religious beliefs from what they were previously taught.
  • strive (as young adults) to live far away from particular family members
  • perpetuate dysfunctional behaviors in other relationships (especially their own children)